Message to a Nobody

Laughing Stocks received today the following message which, having checked its authenticity, we have agreed to post since the Nobody in question in it doesn't allow a right of reply on his 'blog'

Dear Oakham Laughing Stocks,

Through your blog pages could you post that I agree with Martin Brookes that I was never a Royal Marine please. This is the only time he has ever said something that is remotely true about me.  

What I would like to say though is that I successfully completed the army commando course in April of 1966 and completed the parachute course in 1967.  My parent regiment was, and still is, 29 Commando Regiment RA.  All those that doubt this should check my cap badge and not just the colour of my beret. 

I have two decorations that I wear on my left breast, that of the GSM 1962 for South Arabia and the bar is for Dhofar in 1973/4.  The other two medals on that side are from the Sultan of Oman's Armed Forces (SOAF).  I wear all of these decorations quite legitimately.  I completed my 9 year engagement on the 12th October 1974 and left with an 'Exemplary' record.

I claimed, quite rightly, my grandfather’s medals with the permission of my mother and all the relevant immediate family, some 18 years ago.  I have worn them with pride ever since on every occasion I can.  28386 Cpl JC Carr (RGA) served throughout WW1 and was wounded in 1914.  He did not serve in three campaigns, as was stated on Martin Brookes's Blog, but in one only, The First World War.

If there are those that doubt the authenticity of this little nugget of truth then can I suggest that you visit me at my home and we will discuss the matter in depth.  Preferably after dark.

Regards,

Paul Beech GSM & Bar, BA (Crim)

Martin Banned!!! ‘Pornogate’ Councillor Disqualified From Public Office

Residents of Oakham breathed a sigh of relief when a High Court Judge disqualifed Oakham Town Councillor Martin Brookes from holding public office either in Oakham or anywhere else after disgusting the town in an incident known locally as ‘Pornogate’.

The story as it appeared in the Rutland Mercury

Standards for England, the body responsible for maintaining standards in public office, took Cllr Brookes before a Tribunal after a string of complaints against him by fellow councillors, staff and members of the public.  The Tribunal found that Cllr Brookes had been guilty of a large number of breaches of the Code of Conduct, calling one councilllor an ‘arsehole’, another an ‘old bag’ and ‘vilifying’ the Clerks on numerous occasions.  He also subjected a female member of the public he had never met to a tirade of homophobic abuse.

However, the worst incident by far was when Brookes, who is a keen amateur photographer, broke open the Council’s main noticeboard in the High Street and filled it with anal fetish material which promptly led to Brookes’s arrest and cautioning and subsequent downfall at the Standards Tribunal.

Mobile phone video of the incident sent to Laughing Stocks by a member of the public confirms reports widely circulating in the town that the images showed a naked man with a carrot engaging in what can only be described as cruelty to vegetables!

Mystery surrounds the identity of the model in the photographs, but the images taken by a member of the public clearly show one of the pictures was captioned “This is my ex-husband, I shouldn’t really show it round – he’s got the one of me”.

Stills from a video of the noticeboard.  The full horror of the scene has had to be deliberately blurred out by us!

In his final adjudication Presiding Judge David Laverick said of Cllr Brookes: “There is no indication that the Respondent has shown any sign of understanding the standards set by the Code of Conduct despite his agreeing to follow the provisions of that Code. The Tribunal can see no alternative to disqualifying him from being a member of the Town Council, and any other local authority. The Tribunal has decided that the period of disqualification should be two years. That period will allow the particular Town Council to move to a more normal way of operating and will also allow the Respondent time to reflect on the standards which are expected of those in Public Life."

  

As well as the Pornogate incident, Brookes has also gained notoriety for a series of other bizarre doings.  His crazy antics have included:

-         Sending a press release to all UK national media organisations saying his ex was ‘crap’

-         Proclaiming himself ‘God’s gift to men’

-         Saying that he would never shoplift in Oakham because the up-market shops have nothing he wants

-         Claiming that if women get cancer it is their own fault

It has been reported that ex- Cllr Brookes is trying to appeal against Judge Laverick's opinion that he is "unfit for public office".  We don't fancy his chances much!

The Fool in the Cherry Picker – Or Just Trespassing?

More Streets And Suburbia (S.A.S.) Gossip from your Rutland Roving Reporters!

The Fool in the Cherry Picker – Or Just Trespassing?

You know - if somebody purported to be a local journalist or photographer and walked uninvited around my business premises with a camera around his neck, and a suspicious smile on his face, I’d probably ask him to leave.  But then again the same person may well be a little frightening because of his attitude, general appearance and the way he speaks to me, so as a frail person I might just cower behind the counter and let him wander, especially when he has a bouncer with him.  Not that his protective person is that conspicuous, by design, so I might not see him or her, (lurking in the background), whichever the case may be.  But that’s just meek and mild me I suppose.

Anyway the photos on his recent Internet publication are somewhat confusing.  Some pictures show an unfinished roof on a small building in a back yard (picture taken from altitude with telephoto lens) which seems to please him and yet another picture shows another roof, with rather expensive roof tiles I might add, on a particularly nice period building.  For some reason he dislikes these tiles so we must assume he is an aesthetics critic or a building know-it-all. He does appear to have a fetish with roofs'. How odd.  Perhaps it remands him of his own 'topper' and has a grievance with his barber.

We then came to wonder how he got these pictures.  Was it from a cherry picker hired for the occasion or did he, as is the suspicion, wander around uninvited into a building and then disappear up to somebody’s bedroom at the top of the house to look for a photo opportunity?  He has to be the worst kind of paparazzi who uses deception to secure entry and then hides in the ‘clouds’ like some US surveillance drone who then monitors the enemy below.  How much does it cost to hire a cherry picker these days – me thinks this is not the case as he always claims he has no money to eat let alone hire a cherry picker.  How on earth does he cover the cost of phone calls and new equipment?  Amazing what you can afford on benefits these days isn’t it.  

Questions, questions.  Something this local l...y dislikes intensely.

On the same day the pompous ass has the gall to claim that somebody, other than he, is guilty of “...malicious communications...” Now that is rich coming from him.  I suppose he is now a legal expert because he’s been getting away with the same thing for years.  Not to mention the other offences he has committed with impunity over the past ten years – and counting.

We are also treated to a history lesson of other instances in people’s pasts that he has mined from the Internet.  Wouldn’t it be a travesty if we found something in his past that he didn’t want airing in public?

Okay all you budding Arthur Scargill’s, let’s get digging.

Oh nearly forgot - Merry Christmas. Ho Ho Ho.

R.R.R

From Malice to Malarkey

This is your ‘Rutland Roving Reporter’ back again with more salacious gossip from the ‘Streets And Suburbia.’ (Known in certain circles as ‘S.A.S.’).

At the risk of being perceived as a plagiarist I have to bring to your attention an article from our county’s most balanced publication, ‘The Rutland Times’ (18/10/12; page 3 – certain names have been withheld to protect the innocent) in which it mentions a disturbance at a recent meeting of Oakham Town Council’s Parks and Planning Committee.  The paper reports that an un-named person was removed by “officers” after refusing to leave the meeting.  This was due to the person’s strong objections to a decision being made at the meeting. The meeting had to be adjourned because of the apparent outrageous actions from the individual who gave the chairman no option but to ask for the intervention of the police and halt the proceedings.   

Now, you may think that that could be the prerogative of an individual in a democracy (freedom of speech and all that malarkey) but after further investigation it appears that this is not the first time certain ‘individuals’ have disrupted meetings at the Town Council and at that ‘other place’ down the road.  At a recent meeting at that ‘other place’ it seems that there were unwarranted interventions by individuals who thought that they were the only people who needed to be heard. Even as they held up badly written signs, (that looked as though they had been done by a two year old), they still persisted to show little or no respect for the rule of law and not an iota of respect for people elected to act on their behalf in local governance.  My apologies for the reference to two year olds, after all they could have done far better.  

Ignorance is the word that springs to mind and it would appear that their actions on that evening left three council members no alternative but to leave halfway through the meeting out of embarrassment and disgust at the antics and comments from the individuals concerned. Their names don’t appear to be on any minutes or any reference made as yet, except in anecdotal evidence, but I guess we know who they are. And we wouldn’t want to write anything we couldn’t support without proof, unlike false reports often blogged by he who shall not be named.

Could it be that the same people are committing these near felonious acts at strategic venues or is there a band of professional disruptors doing the rounds in Rutland at every opportunity?  This reporter has no evidence that there has been disruption at meetings in the villages around our county town, or even at meetings in that other town down the road, so we can only assume that they have difficulty with transport, funds for taxis or even no transport of their own that would enable them to travel the country at will.  Mind you it seems not to hinder one particular individual who pops up just about everywhere and even eats out at expensive notable ‘posh’ Tory backed restaurants south of Bedford.  They say the nachos and roast pork are particularly good but better with apple sauce – if you can get it before the waitress decides you look a bit too shifty and dishevelled to eat there. 

The problem of the kind of disruption mentioned above is becoming prolific from what our team of researchers has discovered with the culprits being identifiable for being of a dishevelled and unkempt appearance.  I would suggest that the organisers of the demonstrations around the country on Saturday 20^th in protest against austerity measures in the UK be very aware of people described as ‘unkempt and dishevelled’ with one of them carrying a camera and the other a broom. It might be that they will attempt to hijack the demo and turn it into a farce.  They’re good at that. 

It could however be a problem solved if the suggestion from the letter’s page (18/10/12; p.8) of the Rutland Times is to be taken up by RCC.  The suggestion from the writer is to move the council offices from Catmose to Ashwell and sell the current offices as a “...swish hotel” by a “responsible private company.”  That would be a good idea because the disruptive element would have to travel at night (the broom would come in handy if it is a tandem) and without any visible means of support or transport they would be stuck in Oakham with only one target for their indignation and ill temper. 

Finally there is the a suggestion that the individual who is being disruptive has the talent for suggesting that anybody who does something for charity is fair game for his attention, in the most despicable way.  Let’s not forget of course that the only charitable action he has ever been involved in is when he bought himself a train ticket from London to Rutland some 9 years ago.  Apparently the main reason he is here is because that’s all he had left from the handout from a church in London who needed to pay him off before he administered his own brand of coup de grace based on bluff, elasticity of the truth and fear. What a shame he didn’t have a few more ‘quid’ in ‘compo’ then he could have gone all the way to that phallic heaven he admires so much – Hoy!

For the next instalment of 'SAS' tune in again soon to Laughing Stocks, I have a sneaking suspicion it might be sooner rather than later.

Train Your Underdog

It’s no use constantly complaining about your underdog, you just haven’t got him trained right!  

For only £71( which is just one week’s dole money!) let Barbara Woodhouse show you how to tame your errant beast by getting your underdog trained.  Includes answers to the following typical underdog problems:

My underdog just won’t stop whining!

My underdog shows no interest in the pussy next door, is there something wrong with him?

My underdog has bad breath!

My underdog keeps shitting on his own doorstep!

My underdog is always begging me for food!

My underdog is addicted to porn!

My underdog disrupts public meetings!

The Betrayal of Helen Pender

In a hysterically funny piece, Rutland & Melton Parliamentary Candidate Helen Pender accuses her 'underdog' of biting her, calls him a 'hypocrite' and accuses him of cyberstalking and posting malicious comments against her.

"A series of destructive and dangerous posts have been left on web sites connected to Martin Brookes... Last night another dangerous and destructive posting was made on the web.  Martin Brookes pretending, I now believe, to be upset, sent me a text at 11.30 pm asking [me] to call him.  I walked up to Oakham police station [and] we went back to his computer and looked up the email we had sent earlier in the day.  It had been undeliverable and was not sent.  I wrote out the name of the email and password for Martin to access the email address we had sent the missive from.  I cannot now access that email address and suspect the password has been changed.  I did try to change the password but was unable to.

I am now beginning to wonder whether Martin Brookes has been complicit in this war of cyber stalking I have suffered, usually on his websites, since 2009.

I sent Martin Brookes the following email earlier today after he had rewritten history on his own blog.  Frankly the sense of betrayal one feels at his behaviour does hurt, but I intend to find out precisely who has been making such malicious and damaging posts in my name.  I hope Martin Brookes has betrayed me for the last time.

Accused by Helen of "cyberstalking" & "malicious postings"

Date: Thu, 3 Mar 2011 13:17:59

From: Helen Pender

Subject: Your malicious postings.

To: Martin Brookes

You Martin were with me when that email address was set up and have now changed the password to that email address so that I cannot even access it.  You were a party to an attempt to get the person we suspected of placing malicious postings on the internet in our name to stop and that was the point of that email.  If the person replied then you would be able to check the IP address and that is why you wanted to check that email address at your home last night. - or so you said.  What we saw was that the email was not delivered and came back as undeliverable, I can only assume that you resent it since then.  I now note that you have changed the email address of sxxxxxx@xxxxxxx and now suspect that it is you who has been posting these malicious comments.  Talk about a hypocrite - you were a party to the email sent yesterday, you checked it on your computer at home yesterday after you rang me at 11.30 in the evening when you claimed to be so upset.  I am now beginning to wonder whether it is you who has deliberately posted all the rubbish in my name.

I had never seen the comment I saw on your own website last night.  The only email I sent to you today was from this account and I have never used that account before or since.  I tried to get in today to change the password, just in case you intended to misuse that email address, for which I gave you the password and it seems you have changed the details so that I can no longer change the password.  So, in effect it is now your email address.

Helen

Pe[r]haps I should stop feeling sorry for people and stop trying to champion the underdog.  Why is it that those whom you try to help so often bite you?  By championing the underdog you seem to get viciously bitten and injured.  Lesson learnt perhaps."

"Viciously bitten"

Legal Disclaimer

Reposted entirely using materials put in the public domain by the author, so sod off!  Think before you post!

The Ratland Rant

We are pleased to report there was a happy ending to this when the Bank Of Ireland kindly put her out of her misery and repossessed her house!  We hope she is very happy in her new home.  Wherever that is.

Legal Disclaimer

Reposted entirely using materials put in the public domain by the author, so sod off!  Think before you post!