Friday, 7 September 2012

Oakham Councillor Puts Porno in Town Noticeboard

The arresting officer perusing Cllr Brookes' porno display

Lunchtime shoppers in Oakham High Street got more than an eyeful when Oakham Town Councillor Martin Brookes forced open the town noticeboard and displayed a shocking portfolio of hard core porno!

He then proceeded to encourage passers by, regardless of age, to admire the pictures!  Needless to say Cllr Brookes was arrested at the scene and taken away by the police.

Inspector Monks of Oakham Police station told the Rutland Mercury  “It’s not nice if people use a public notice board to display offensive pictures and I won’t tolerate it.”

The bizarre selection of pornographic images portrayed a practical demonstration of a little known fringe fetish known as vegetable sodomy which is usually confined to groups who don’t have access to proper sex toys such as prison inmates and long-term unemployed.

After his release by the police, Cllr Brookes, who hasn’t worked in years, said “The Assistant Town Clerk said it did not portray a good image for Oakham.  My answer is that it is a minority of the people residing in Oakham who feel they can treat me in this disgusting manner”.  Later on Cllr Brookes stated on his blog: ”I am told if I went to a special school I should be excluded from being a Councillor. I don't think this is correct. If I am charged and convicted for display offensive images it may come out I was charged as a young man for petty theft.”

He later accepted a police caution for the offences of criminal damage and displaying offensive images, though he refused to say who it was who was in the pictures with the carrot.  All that is known about the person in the pictures is that he was male and blonde.

Brooksy, who is male and blonde, also outraged Oakham residents by his refusal to pay the repair bill for the criminal damage he caused because he is unemployed, even though he is a regular in Oakham’s pubs.

In November 2011 Cllr Brookes was found to be wholly unfit to be a councillor and was disqualified from holding any public office.

Thursday, 23 August 2012

A Load of Bollards: Two-faced Brookesy caught out by Neighbour

Stirring disgraced ex-councillor Martin Brookes has been caught out being two faced by his neighbour who has found out that it was Brookes who has been making complaints about him to the Council.  Watch him squirm as he tries in vain to wriggle off the hook!  We are grateful to our local correspondent for this contribution, keep them coming!

A Load of Bollards
Brookesy upsets another local retailer with his individual perception of public service.

Yes this correspondent can report again on the 'Rutland Misfit' who has again incorrectly reported on another local issue.  This time his target is a local retailer who erected 'Bollards' outside his store as a safety measure after a vehicle ".....drove into the waste bin outside the shop." The store is only yards away from where Brookes lives so there is a fair chance this might be another retail store he won't be welcome in.

Brookes admits that he took photos and then immediately fled to safety in the South of England to avoid confrontation with the populace of Rutland, which is always the way with this individual.

It would appear that the store owner has a suspicion about who made the complaint to RCC Planning Department and there is a mountain of evidence that points straight at Brookes.

On his infamous and one-sided inaccurate blog, Brookes says that it wasn't him, but it is common knowledge he hides his identity before he makes any phone calls so that his number is not recorded on the receiving land line or mobile phone.  "The caller did not leave their number," is the only message you might get when he phones you, says nothing and then hangs up.

Brookes then goes on to say, "As for the Councillor involved I think they stink!"  That's a rich statement from him as it is a known fact that Brookes' severe onset of halitosis, since he chose to reduce his own income some years ago by volunteering to be unemployed and now can't afford the basics for his personal hygiene.  As a consequence his health is suffering which leaves him with very bad breath and hair loss.

The blog entry is full of contradictions and because of considerable research done by this correspondent with local people, particularly around the store and Brookes’ home, can report that there is a general feeling of disbelief in anything Brookes reports on.  In street interviews held, while he was hiding in the South, a resident said, "Brookes? Oh him, no we don't have anything to do with him.  He's a loaner and we keep out of his way.” Another resident I spoke to was less complimentary but her comments cannot be printed because of offending other readers.

This correspondent is looking closely into Brookes's activities and will make more reports when appropriate.  In the meantime the public should avoid contact.

T. Ruth (Your Local Heralder @

From on Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Bollards Rutland County Council Planning and Willow Stores

Willow Stores


At the weekend whilst away, I received the above Facebook message from Willow Stores Oakham

Before I went away I photographed the new concrete bollards outside the store highlighting the reason for the installation on a previous blog post.

At no point until now did I say I did not like the concrete bollards and I most certainly did not raise a complaint with Rutland County County Councils Planning Officer.

The Bollards have now been removed because Rutland County Councils Planning Officers have nothing better to do.

The bollards have been replaced with Cherry Trees, The owner of Willow Stores has been told planning permission would be required for bollards on a commercial property boundary but not if it was a residential property Trees do not need planning permission.

As for the Councillor involved I think they stink!

The other problem here is the council some years  ago removed the public footpath to create a parking bay.

It does not surprise me a complaint was received because many members of the public would assume the pavement they use every day is public, when it is actually private and their stupid council dug up the public footpath for the benefit of motorists.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Blogger Martin Throws Tantrum After Forgetting His Password

Oh dear! Compulsive Oakham blogger and disgraced ex-councillor Martin Brookes forgot his password this week and is throwing a major tantrum in the town.  Refusing to admit that he just couldn’t remember his own password he insists that it’s all a conspiracy by Oakham Town Council, Rutland County Council and, of course, the police!  It also appears that Brookes has been using the town council’s email address as a log-in for his foul language blog even after he was banned from being a councillor!  What a disgrace!

"Blog Hacking and Oakham Town Council
On  Monday this week for a short period of time I lost control of my blog.

It was also deleted.

With the use of my mobile and security questions and I was able to republish my blog.

This morning I found my password was not working.

I then requested an e-mail reminder. I was shocked to see Google were sending the email with a reminder to an Oakham Town Council email account.

I telephoned Oakham Town Council and spoke to the assistant clerk. She said she would look into it.

A short time later I received a telephone from the Clerk, he said he had personally received an email from the blogger team.

I asked the Clerk to forward the email to me so this breach could be investigated.

He said he would delete the email, he also said he wanted nothing to do with this.

He did forward the e-mail shown below, once received I was able to reset my password once again.

I know Oakham Town Council and Rutland County council and its supporters would like to see my blog removed for good. They have tried using Leicestershire Constabulary now it appears they happy to hack Google accounts." 

Friday, 10 August 2012

The Titanium Chastity Belt contd

We left our titanium chastity belt wearing heroine at Leicester station on her romantic date with recently released ‘HIV positive psychopath’ sex offender Kevin [real name Dale].  Luckily our heroine survived this terrifying encounter to continue her fight for survival against the masonic henchmen.  Here she tells how she got the sack from her teaching job, sued the Duke of Kent in a disastrous lawsuit but still feels confident enough to reassure us she's not "one of those nuts who think the whole world is a conspiracy against them."

Kevin said he had been released without completing many of the courses designed to rehabilitate and change the cognitive skills of sex offenders.  If true, then not only was my life in danger, but the lives of whole communities are also at risk. Is this justifiable collateral damage?

Lord Lucan
From TS Eliot to date divorcing women of powerful men have long been subjected to efforts to paint them mad, bad or both. The most high profile cases are those of Lady Lucan, who was successfully painted as quite mad. It seems that since the murder of Sandra Rivett divorcing men have not been told where and when their wives will be eradicated. I suspect that Lord Lucan, knowing his wife was soon to be killed, had an attack of conscience, when he should have had an inalienable alibi at the Claremont Club. In a desperate effort to countermand his wife’s demise he rushed to the house on a night the nanny was due to be out. It is surely too absurd to believe that Lord Lucan himself would have mistaken the nanny for his own wife?   Lady Tryon, whose embarrassing letters to Prince Charles were apparently being used to gain an equitable divorce settlement, denied having thrown herself from the third floor of a private mental hospital. Operations Paget and Aberton have no hope of uncovering any sort of real truth whilst the enquiries are staffed with members of secret societies.
Princess Di
I have no personal knowledge of the death of the Princess of Wales. Like everyone else I merely read what is written in the papers. However the attempts to salaciously denigrate her personal life whenever questions about her death arise would appear to me to allow her death to go largely unexamined on grounds of good taste. There are too many questions which remain unasked for any of us to rest easy about her death. Reports that she was ‘in the last stages of paranoid dementia’ have gained currency since she has not been alive to show them to be entirely unjustified.

Drug Running, Fraud, Embezzelment & Child Abuse
Why on earth should I shut up? Plots to paint me as a drug runner, fraudster, embezzler and latterly child abuser have all failed. In the face of such malevolence the only defence is to speak out. Scandal mongering is rife in my life. Off the record briefings given to manipulate innocent individuals are never reported back – because it would be a betrayal of trust. Efforts to criminalise me or make me insane abound with the aim of depriving me of a sane voice carrying integrity. When one trips over the dirt on the establishment carpet one just gets brushed under the carpet and trodden down. No effort is made to clean up the mess which is rapidly destroying our society.

The Sack
Noticing that a very pretty student was introducing girls in my class to a group of older men I alerted the deputy head to a possible paedophile ring which could be using the pretty girl as an unwitting procuress. We had a positive conversation about the role of secret organisations in protecting child abusers amongst their members. She had some personal knowledge of an MP who, whilst he did what he was told, had access to children ‘who didn’t matter’. A few days later I met a very sullen faced deputy head determined to sack me. It seems she had been told I was a possible child abuser – the best form of defence being attack – the secret societies turn the tables to ensure the focus is not on their members who perpetrate crime, but on innocents who blow the whistle on their crimes. Nothing was done to prosecute the man who made this student pregnant.
The Lawsuit Against The Duke of Kent
Fed up with the whispering campaign I then felt my only defence would be to sue. The case was considered by Master Leslie, Judges Pitchers and Richards in the High Court in London. Master Leslie was only willing to let me sue the deputy head, a non-mason. A typical Masonic ruse. Let the non-masons destroy one another in a court battle whilst leaving the real perpetrators free to continue their malicious and sinister tactics. All the masons cited were ruled out by the High Court. Judge Pitchers is a known mason, Judge Richards refused to confirm or deny if he had ever been or was a mason.  Under the Human Rights Act he had to answer that question. I was satisfied that his refusal to answer the question meant that he could not deny an association with the Masonic movement, so had no right to sit on a case which identified known masons and the Masonic movement as perpetrators of long term harassment, psychological torture albeit vain torture and pecuniary malice. Master Leslie asked if I had suffered mental damage from these experiences and assured me, that since I had no history of mental ill health, I had no case to bring. This is patently false I have suffered and continue to suffer pecuniary damage, harassment and slander. What Master Leslie neglected to say however is that had I succumbed to efforts to make me insane I would also have no case to bring, since my testimony would be flawed by having had a history of distorted thinking. Catch 22. Master Leslie’s judgement is appended. He acted outside the law in making a finding in a case of slander without a jury trial and his obfuscation in changing my suit for information applied for under the Data Protection Act to pre-trial disclosure is not an error. Master Leslie has contributed to that bible of civil litigation ‘Atkins’ and is incapable of such a manifestly basic error.

 Original Documentation
A writ taken out against agents of the Masonic movement (including the Duke of Kent!) for Negligence and failure to comply with due care and diligence to Employment Law and defamation contrary to the Defamation Acts.

Mr Shaun W**********, Deputy Head Special Needs Teaching & Student Support Service, Leicester City Council, New Parks House, Pindar Road, Leicester, LE3 9RN.

Mrs Wendy S******, The Key Way School, Carisbrooke Gardens, Leicester.(Governor)

Kevin L****, HMP Whatton, HMP Whatton, Whatton, Nottingham NG13 9FQ,

Len T*******, Court Official, Loughborough and Melton Magistrates Courts. 

Guy G******, Legal Services, for Leicester City Council, Town Clerk’s and Corporate Resources Legal Services, Welford Place, Leicester, East Midlands LE1 6ZG.

The Duke of Kent, as leader of the Masonic movement, Kensington Palace,
Kensington Palace Gardens, London W8.

The basis of my claim is set out in the following account of my working life and the illustrations of harassment, slander, bullying and inhumane actions perpetrated by those cited in this writ and their failure to protect me from the excesses of their organisations, their own actions and their failure to accept the statutory and Human Rights I have as a citizen of the United Kingdom. For these offences I seek damages and punitive damages.

Wendy S****** of The Keyway Centre, has let it be known to R***** K***, and I presume other members of staff and possibly pupils, that I am suspected of some sort of paedophilia or child abuse. These allegations are a direct result of the harassment I have suffered at the hands of those who have for at least the last decade sought to silence my testimony about the corrupt practices I uncovered before, during and after my divorce proceedings. A line needs to be drawn in the sand to stop unfounded rumour and innuendo placing me within the power of those who are able to manufacture evidence to convict me of some sort of heinous crime. The core attributes of my personality are being threatened and this defamatory accusation will seep into the crevasses of the subconscious of those who have been so briefed, causing ripples to gain an every wider acceptance of this wholly malign rumour

A jury award for defamation is ‘prescribed by law’ under Article 10 of the
 Human Rights Act and my ability to live a life without further harassment false innuendo and malicious rumour is enshrined in Article 6 of the Human Rights Act.

I wrote to Shaun W********** of Leicester City Council, requesting
 information as to his enquiry about my summary dismissal. He has declined to answer any of my most recent letters or provide me with any written data – contrary to the Data Protection Act. I have now been effectively charged and found guilty, of accusations of which I am still not fully informed, with absolutely no input into those accusations or the events which led to my summary dismissal. Under the Human Rights Act, (article 6) Leicester City Council’s obfuscation and silence has continued amongst a growing climate of rumour and innuendo being perpetrated against my person.

The actions of Kevin L****, as an agent in the Masonic or other allied
movement, in overseeing the danger I was placed in whilst working at Whatton Prison and then using the efforts I made to avert that danger to vilify me further have contributed to my harassment and are in contravention of Article 6 of the Human Rights Act.

Len T******’s involvement in encouraging harassment of me whilst working for the Witness Service at Melton Mowbray Magistrates’ Court is also I believe a factor in gaining his legal influence in any case I might bring, and has continued long after leaving my post at Melton Mowbray, as an agent and member of the Free Masons or whatever the initiated members prefer to call themselves.

Both Leicester City Council and the Masons have colluded in denying me Human Rights under Articles 6 and 10 of the Human Rights Act.

The Judge’s Verdict!
Text of Judicial Decision of Master Leslie Stamped 18 July 2003
In the High Court of Justice HQ03X01427
Queen’s Bench Division
Master Leslie
Date: 11 July 2003


Helen Patey Claimant


Shaun W********** and others Defendant

It is ordered that:

1) In claims against Shaun W**********, Kevin L**** (The Home Office), Len T******, Guy G****** (save as in paragraph 3 below) and the Duke of Kent/The Masonic Movement, lift the stay and the claims be struck out with Judgement for the Defendants.

2) Claim against Wendy S****** stayed; Claimant, to present to Master Leslie draft Particulars of Claim as hereunder.

3) Claim against Guy G****** for Leicester City Council under the D.P.A. 1997 be stayed; Claimant, to present to Master draft Particulars of Claim as hereunder.

4) Claimant to attend before Master Leslie in room E119 on 6th August 2003 at 11.30 am (during Practice) with draft Particulars of Claim.
Telephone Harassment
Telephoning Rosemary E***** after the case I expressed my disappointment at her husband’s attempts to conspire to kill me. She said she understood how wronged I must feel but she had nothing to do with it. I pointed out that shortly after completing the play in the prison she had visited me and suggested that I take in students from a local boarding school, she would act as an oral referee. She must have heard that I had given the prisoner my phone number – secrets are impossible to keep in prisons. Her suggestion, which I immediately rejected, meant that she was now implicated in putting innocent boarders at the school, with foreign parents, in danger. 
Masonic Psychiatry!
What heinous crime had I committed? What was my original sin? I had saved my then husband from the ‘treatment’ being meted out to him by a Masonic psychiatrist, and the only explanation for the inhuman treatment he suffered at the hands of Doctor David T******* was that he was being subjected to some sort of unethical experimentation at the Priory Clinic in Roehampton.  How better to indulge in unethical procedures than to ensure that PPP or BUPA pay for such treatment, and that normal NHS procedures are not followed in a private institution? My ex husband’s own GP’s had no professed knowledge of his mental ill health throughout the time of Dr T*******’s treatment of him. How better to ensure that all the tentacles of the establishment were ranged against me than to invoke this secret brotherhood to protect one of their own, the Lewis son of a member of Grand Lodge?  Since others who claim not to be masons, but to have worked for military intelligence have also entered the arena I can only surmise that the experiments being carried out at the Priory Clinic in Roehampton had some sort of establishment sanction.
Masonic Tricks
Even decent Masons could often be ‘conned’ into providing information on the basis that ‘Brother Smith needs this to help the person involved’. The adversary would even sometimes be described as a fellow Mason to the Brother from whom information was sought perhaps someone with access to his bank manager or employer. The ‘good’ Mason would not go to any lengths of checking with Freemasons Hall whether or not this was so. The ‘target’ was presented as a Brother in distress by a fellow Mason, especially a fellow Lodge member, that would be enough for any upright member of the Craft.  Sometimes this information gathering process – often involving a long chain of Masonic contacts all over the country and possibly abroad – would be unnecessary. Enough would be known in advance about the adversary to initiate any desired action against him.  I asked how this ‘action’ might be taken.  ‘Solicitors are very good at it’, said Christopher [alledged Senior Whitehall Civil Servant and Freemason]. ‘Get your man involved in something legal – it need not be serious – and you have him’.  Masonic police can harass, arrest on false charges, and plant evidence. ‘A businessman in a small community or person in public office arrested for dealing in child pornography, for indecent exposure, or for trafficking in drugs is at the end of the line’, said Christopher. ‘He will never work again’.
More Masonic Tricks!
Masons can bring about the situation where credit companies and banks withdraw credit facilities from individual clients and tradesmen, said my informant. Banks can foreclose. People who rely on the telephone for their work can be cut off for long periods. Masonic employees of local authorities can arrange for a person’s drains to be inspected and extensive damage to be reported, thus burdening the person with huge repair bills; workmen carrying out the job can ‘find’ in reality cause – further damage. Again with regard to legal matters, a fair hearing is hard to get when a man in ordinary circumstances is in financial difficulties. If he is trying to fight a group of unprincipled Freemasons skilled in using the ‘network’ it will be impossible because Masonic Department of Health and Social Security and Law Society officials can delay applications for Legal Aid endlessly.

‘Employers, if they are Freemasons or not, can be given private information about a man who has made himself an enemy of Masonry.  At worst he will be dismissed or consistently passed over for promotion’.

Christopher added, ‘Masonic doctors can also be used. But for some reason doctors seem to be the least corruptible men’

‘Only the fighters have any hope of beating the system once it’s at work
 against them’, he told me. ‘Most people, fighters or not, are beaten in the end, though. It’s … you see, I … you finish up not knowing who you can trust. You can get no help because your story sounds so paranoid that you are thought a crank, one of those nuts who think the whole world is a conspiracy against them.’

I am NOT mad!
I do know that the mad often consider themselves to be the only sane people around and this story might receive that interpretation. I have tried to represent the facts, as I see them, as a simple sum of 2 + 2. The conclusion, if I’ve been able to reach it at all, is a simple 4, not a gross.

When members of the secret societies baulk at the lengths they are expected to go they find themselves up against the system. A system which they now know is so powerful that they cannot hope to physically survive outside it, nor can they survive spiritually within it. Masons would have you believe that they are keepers of deep secrets of mystical proportions. Mystical truths in the hands of evil idiots become mumbo jumbo. There cannot be any great mystical or supernatural power on which they draw. Self-seeking weasel like cowards and chisellers are never granted mystical powers. They can however rely on a wide reaching secret organisation which ensures that its members attain the highest offices in the land. A scam used successfully to hoodwink us all.

I can only wait for the political and judicial climate to change sufficiently to allow me to ask for protection.  However when the forces of law and order no longer work to protect those who suffer from conspiracies to kill them we can only hope to survive long enough to tell our stories.  Until that time comes there is no hope of protection

Monday, 6 August 2012

Fair Use of Copyrighted Materials

Under US law fair use of copyrighted materials and images is allowed for the purpose of parody and information.  However, we have informed Google that there is no copyrighted material in Laughing Stocks because every image here has been altered for satirical purposes and so is our own creation for which we have the rights.  So there!  Nice try!!

Friday, 3 August 2012

Saved by her Titanium Chastity Belt!

In her own words a young, vulnerable and obviously highly attractive [snigger!] trainee teacher tells how she used her 'titanium chastity belt' to thwart a combined plot against her life by Military Intelligence and the Freemasons!

I was asked to work on a project within a male prison for HIV AIDS awareness day a few years ago. The man who first suggested me for the task was I** E*****, an ex army officer who admitted he had worked for military intelligence, now sometime art teacher and prison course tutor. One never retires from military intelligence
A dozen sex offenders
Prisons have rules and regulations, security measures, walkie talkies, a plethora of safe guards and one would expect a series of briefings before being allowed loose on the unsuspecting prisoners.

But nothing, no walkie talkie, no briefing. A community health worker accompanied me to the first session and pointed out the stationary alarm fixed to the wall. After that I was on my own, a trainee teacher with about a dozen sex offenders, trying to produce a play for HIV AIDS awareness day in December.  The prisoners couldn’t believe how ignorant I was of prison regulations. They began to smell a malodorous dereliction of duty and quickly moved in to shoulder the security burden themselves. Bert was particularly helpful. So much so that he was moved out to another prison, allegedly for having too close a relationship with an art teacher.
My Titanium Chastity Belt

A new prisoner, Kevin, came to the group at the next session. Someone who, I suspect, was a diagnosed psychopath and HIV positive. Having heard that no prisoner who’d tried to get past my unchaperoned titanium chastity belt had yet succeeded, the new prisoner was determined to meet the challenge. When he admitted he had been locked into the administration block of the prison and left alone there for over two hours I realised he was also being encouraged to find my name and address on letters I had sent to the prison authorities about the project.
Locked in the prison gym
One Sunday I was locked into the prison gym with the prisoners, no member of staff present, no keys to get out during free association time and the most responsible and safety conscious prisoner detained and unable to get into the gym. The door to the anteroom with the stationary alarm had been locked. We had to call for several minutes to attract the attention of a passing prisoner to allow the prisoners out for a loo break.
The play was written and produced. Prisoners and visiting local bigwigs attended. A teacher who’d originally been asked to produce the event and refused seemed particularly obstreperous. She eventually explained that I** E***** had told her that I had given my name and address to prisoners. The whole plot suddenly made sense.
If a prisoner were to find my address I would naturally be the one who had given it to him, bearing in mind the false rumours I** E***** had already circulated. I also knew which prisoner would be prepared to take advantage of such an opportunity. I had to play the double bluff. Gave a little used internet phone number to the prisoner and told him to get in touch on his release. Now he would not be given any further opportunity to find my address. This oxymoronic intelligence officer had to be foiled.

Masonic henchmen
I am well trained in counter intelligence. Foiling a decade of psychological trickery, when one faces forces using Masonic slaves as henchmen and ex military intelligence servicemen who follow orders without question, one is trained on the hoof.

Masons are inured to accepting orders from the hierarchy above them, which is why so many of them are used by the intelligence services. They are enslaved by ritual mumbo jumbo, a new twist on Stockholm syndrome is perpetrated in those rituals and a cult like adherence ensues, above all other loyalties, to this most secret and sinister of societies. Rumour has it that policeman find it impossible in certain forces to reach the rank of sergeant without joining the masons. It is also rumoured that judicial advancement to the bench is more likely once one becomes an entered apprentice. The security services are answerable to no one except ‘The Crown’ and rumour has it that the Crown itself is an indentured member of the Eastern Star – a female arm of masonry. Prince Philip ‘was’ a mason, once a mason always a mason. Reports in a newspaper that Prince Charles could be seen practising the Masonic art of goat riding have appeared in the press. We will never know how far the Masonic network extends until a full 
list of all masons is published.
Conspiracy to kill
Kevin, recently released, got in touch. Summoning up my courage I agreed to meet him at Leicester train station. Emptied my handbag of any personal documentation, paid for lunch in cash and left the car at home. One can easily be traced through one’s car number plate, credit card or by arranging to have a handbag snatched. Over lunch he asked ‘why did you want to see me,’ the glint in his eye suggesting I found him irresistible. My reply was ‘because I am dangerous to you.’ ‘I’m more dangerous than you’ was his immediate competitive rejoinder. He had already asked if I voted – so one had to presume he’d looked at several electoral registers. I don’t think he believed me when I told him that finding out where I lived might mean that I would be found dead and he would be stitched up for the crime. This meeting carried all the hallmarks of a conspiracy to kill in the inimitable style of the intelligence services. Kevin had told his probation officer he was going to meet me, he said that the police knew too. What on earth were the authorities doing in allowing a trainee teacher to meet with a convicted sex offender without taking steps to halt her apparent idiocy? Waiting to leave Kevin asked for a kiss on his lips at the station Stupidly I quickly drew away, then realising my mistake drew very close and said ‘I will never ever kiss you.’ A kiss on the cheek or embrace is very different to the kiss he was seeking. I was shaking uncontrollably at the end of that afternoon, but hoped that I had succeeded in alerting Kevin to the danger I presented to him. I also hoped that I had taken the challenge out of his life and that he would not try to find me...

It practically goes on forever, but if you haven't pissed yourself laughing by now you never will!